Pajamas

I refuse to wear pajamas when sleeping with a woman

These words tend to explain the reason why I'm leaving at the age of 61, nearly 62 the woman with whom I have raised Agate & Adrien, our grown up children, a comfortable country house I have rehabilitated this year, and my friends.

Life is a long journey that the Buddha in each of us guides towards self knowledge. You don't have to think, do, … to find yourself. The journey is inwards always regardless of the exterior trappings. The only certainty is that you will end up dead. That is the ultimate end of the journey for each of us. So who wants to wear pajamas when sleeping with a woman? Or a Man?

I am exhausted from working on my country home. It has radically changed in the last 9 months of work. The garden is groomed, the house is now two possible apartments sharing a common central heating, hot water, electricity and gas. All is newly painted, the cat has a new double entry door through the wall to keep the cold out and that gives directly into the kitchen where he has his food, and both the new back door and the front door have security latches with keys … not that this has ever been a real concern, but is essential if the house is rented some day.

So why not stay in my nest and roost while idling my time with sculpting delicious statues for the 9 pillars of the barrier between the house and the street? Why not “just enjoy”, “create” … live daily with ease?

I went to the local bar yesterday to treat my work helper to an after work drink and saw interesting people wasting their life at the counter, drinking and hoping that something WOULD happen. In fact I was the happening that evening and served a round of drinks. Another reason probably for leaving in less than 3 months now.

When you're painting, scraping, building … you have a lot of time to think. You pay attention to what you're doing but as in all manual work, this leaves lots of time to let the thoughts of your life penetrate and invade your consciousness. Just like walking or meditation I should say.

How fortunate I am to be able to do exactly what I want and like each day, and have the budget to do it with. That is truly the biggest challenge I have faced since I was 19 years old. Just like my son or daughter today, I get to 'choose' my life. But with so much more confidence in myself. Life has given me, or should I say I have struggled years to obtain, the assurance that as incompetent as I may be, I have no fear of tomorrow's challenges. I know I know NOTHING of what awaits me, that it WILL be difficult beyond what I can imagine today, but I have FAITH in my ability to minimize the risks, face the unknown as it happens and through it all both survive and live with the feeling that LIFE IS GOOD.

This is the time for introspection before launching on the journey. Like the athlete or the artist, the time before the play is a time of emotions, feelings, … you have to let go of your super ego criticizing your expressed desires, your ego wanting to control everything and your projected image amongst all who know you. Birth of a “new me” in the shell of the “old me”. Along the way some accompany you that you did not expect and those closest to you are hiding from you, protecting themselves from the separation.

I struggle with that one. Am I the one creating the separation ahead of time to be free to leave when the time comes? Or is it them, particularly my wife who says nothing? I refuse to attempt to imagine what she is feeling, resenting, struggling with because then I would make all sorts of films for myself which would only be mirrors of what I would be living if roles were reversed. I only ask her, and those questions hit loudly a wall of silence. Silence in the word, silence in the acts of daily life, silence in the bed. After all, do I have the right to ask her to be other than what she manifestly wants to be. I'm just sad to observe that it comforts me in wanting to lead separate lives.

Well, almost 3000 pages of this blog have been read, but I don't know how many by robots … probably most of them … is this a long self meditation? …. Could be ….if people are reading this they are leaving very few messages. Perhaps You?

PS. I have decided that all my possessions will be frozen into an estate should anything happen to me and until my death has been confirmed. The reason for this is that should I be kidnapped, no one will be able to pay any ransom based on my properties, that I have stated this officially and my accounts are separated from those of my family so that no one would expect me to pay them back should they decide to pay something and I have to be in France in person and “free” to be able to act on my own estate. No mandate is possible.

This is both a safety issue and a philosophical stance.

If some idiot in the world wants to try to bargain me against money, I refuse to have my estate used to “save my life”. Most likely it would only serve to give money to kidnappers and I would not be safer or have any guarantees of getting out of the situation. I'd rather all know, both kidnappers and rescuers, that I have only what I can draw with a credit card from a bank which makes kidnapping me useless. Besides, I have to die some day, if I cannot convince my kidnappers then I would rather either be considered “useless” or eventually even end the trip there.

By the way, this is NOT worrisome, just one of the items that needs to be dealt with to prepare for the trip.

PSS. Tomorrow, today in a few minutes is the birth day of Jean Marin, a friend whom I was raised with and who took his own life … too soon. Our mothers used to put us in the open drawers of a cupboard as a cradle when we were tiny. After a weekend skying in the Alps for his 40th birthday, we both pro-created daughters within a few days … .He could not compromise with himself, thus with others. Too bad, we had great times together. He missed out on being a father for his two children in their teens. I miss him and will till I die no doubt. A good reason to want to live.